Going in Grace

Brandi Stover (00:17)
Our environment, from social media friendships to the casual way that the term friend is thrown around everywhere, shows us that as a society, many of us have lost our understanding of friendship, its value, and the effort that these meaningful relationships require. If you haven't heard anyone tell you that real friendships bring with it work, a need to fight selfishness and an opportunity to attain levels in God and life that are not possible solo, then allow me to be that voice for you. Friendship should not be idolized or glorified since all the glory belongs to God, but it should be respected, appreciated and valued.

What is friendship anyway? We all think we know, but the truth is people bring their diverse perspectives of what a friend is to the table. Some think a friend is synonymous with a cheerleader. They expect a type of hype man that's always telling them that they're great. Some think a friend is a therapist. They deplete their friends, constantly drawn on them for mental and emotional strength that can only come from God. Heaven forbid that that person does what they need to do to maintain their own wellness. That is viewed as an act of betrayal to some of these friends.

Then there are those who believe that friends are people who God puts in their life to agree with them and see the world their way. If someone tells the truth and nothing but the truth, so help them God, then to some that person isn't a friend because they brought a level of pain into the relationship. In order for us to appreciate friends and God's vision for friendship, let's check out what he says about friends. Proverbs 27:17 in the New Living Translation says, as iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpen a friend. We see that friends are in our lives to sharpen us. They create enough friction that we become better and more useful in God's kingdom because of their presence in our life.

Proverbs 27:6 in the English Standard Version says, faithful are the wounds of a friend, profuse are the kisses of an enemy. A real friend is willing to wound our ego and feelings if necessary to tell us the truth in love. Love will not allow them to watch us move forward in error as they just sit back and watch. Love compels them to speak. If we have not received a differing opinion, a new thought, or some level of friction in our relationships with our friends lately, we need to consider why. We have to ask ourselves if we are the type of friend that allows our friends the room to speak the truth in love.

Are we creating safe environments where our friends know that they can be real with us because we're not going to just drop them all because they shared their thoughts? The vulnerability required to be a real friend is enough to let us know that it is unwise for us to think that we can amass many close friends. We should be careful who we consider to be a friend in the first place.

We also have to be okay with not having friends until God gives us real ones. I am blessed to say that I have a few close friends in this phase of my life, but it was not always that way. And maybe we as believers should be clear and communicate that to one another. We should know in advance that it's not normal to have a large group of truly close friends. Jesus had three.

According to the American Sociological Review, the average American has just two close friends. Research by the University of Kansas suggests that it takes about 50 hours of socializing to go from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to become a real friend, and over 200 hours to become a close friend. Real friendship is a major investment, so we should choose wisely. We should identify our standards for friendship and be willing to both meet those standards and uphold them. Requiring from someone else, what we will not do is hypocritical, and our Lord calls us to walk in truth with ourselves and others.

Jesus himself used the term friend to describe his relationship with his followers. This lets us know friendship is special. John 15:15 in the New King James Version says "No longer do I call you servant, for a servant does not know what his master is doing, but I have called you friend. For all things that I have heard from my father, I have made known to you."

In Proverbs 13:20, English Standard Version, it says, whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. God lets us know friendship with wise people can make us wiser by associating and spending time with people who have the character that we desire. It can help us grow in our own character.

The same holds true if we associate with the wrong type of people. 1 Corinthians 15:33, English Standard Version. "Do not be deceived. Bad company ruins good morals." Sometimes we think we can be everyone's friend, when we cannot. We often hold on to toxic relationships too long, choosing false peace over the real peace that God calls us to walk in. So why all this talk about friends? Because we need them. And many of us avoid the work required to create and keep them. Some of us avoid friendships because of hurts we haven't allowed Jesus to heal. Some of us have believed lies.

We believe that we can be a great friend, but somehow we are the only ones in the world that can. We allow a sampling of poor relationships, relationships that no one forced us to enter or to stay in, by the way, as an excuse for why friendship can't work for us. It's simply not true. Can everyone be your friend? No. Can someone be your friend? And a good one at that? Yes.

This is a new year. Leave in the past anything or anyone that no longer serves God's plan in your life. Open your heart to the things and people that do. Ecclesiastes 4:9 through 10, New King James Version teaches us, two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion, but woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Don't forget your friends this year. Take inventory, look around. Do you have real friends? And if not, trust God to bring them into your life.